MX24 admin, I want to share my broken pen,
For the past four years I’ve been in a relationship that once felt safe, loving, and right. In the beginning, we were happy and understood each other easily, and love didn’t feel heavy or confusing. It felt natural, and I never questioned whether I mattered to him or not, it just flowed. I was so happy that I began to look back and wonder where he had been my whole life.
However, everything began to change when he lost his job. It was bad. It was the first time I had seen a grown man cry. It was all he had and he really enjoyed what he did so when he was let go, it crushed him. It was a difficult time and I was in so much pain seeing someone usually happy that way. Money became a constant worry because he couldn’t find a job in the following months. So, I had to watch the man I loved slowly turn into someone I no longer recognized.
Every little thing irritated him. I couldn’t even laugh around him or send him a funny video because he’d claim that I was ignoring his current frame of mind and was finding things that made me happy. According to him, it made me selfish. He would become angry over small issues and over time he stopped listening to me altogether. He spoke to me harshly, and I found myself crying more often than smiling. Still, I kept telling myself that he was hurting, that this was only a rough phase, and that if I stayed patient and supportive, things would eventually get better. After all, I had to be supportive, I had to be there for him because I loved him.
Instead, the distance between us continued to grow. Sometimes I wouldn’t hear from him for two weeks, and other times for nearly three. During those long periods of silence, I kept making excuses for him, convincing myself that he needed space or that he was overwhelmed, because I believed that loving someone meant understanding them, even when it hurt. He’d leave me on read on Whatsapp. Always blue-ticking me and responding when he felt like it but I swore I’d never leave him on his own because I was worried what that could possibly turn into.
Because I loved him deeply, I did everything I could to support him. I sent him money even when he didn’t ask for it, and I cooked for him, and not only for him, but for his brother too who would come and pick up the food. I made sure he was okay, even when I wasn’t, and I ignored my own pain because I thought love required sacrifice. Yet, despite everything I gave, the way he treated me never improved.
One night, after not hearing from him for two weeks, I felt the silence had become unbearable for me so I took a Bolt to his house around 10pm, hoping for a conversation, reassurance, or at least acknowledgment. I called and texted him repeatedly, knowing he was awake, but he refused to come outside. Desperate, I even called his brother to help talk to him; however, he shouted at him and told him to stay out of our business.
As a result, I sat outside his house alone until 3 a.m., waiting and hoping he would change his mind. Eventually, he texted me to say that he was not coming out and warned me that his area was dangerous, adding that if anything happened to me, it would be my fault.
In that moment, something inside me broke. It wasn’t only that he refused to see me, it was the realization that my safety was not his priority and that someone who claimed to love me could leave me exposed and unconcerned. I left that night feeling completely empty.
Over the weekend, he reached out to apologize, but by then the damage had already been done. No apology could erase the fact that he knowingly left me outside, vulnerable and alone, without care for what might happen to me. And yet, despite everything, I still love him, which is what makes this so painful. Four years of investing my time, energy and love into this makes it difficult for me to just let it go.
Now I’m left holding a broken pen, unsure whether to keep trying to fix something that keeps hurting me or to finally let go of a love that no longer feels safe. I don’t know if love is supposed to feel this painful, or if I’ve simply been holding on to something that’s already broken.
Please help me fix my broken pen.
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