Dear MX24,
My name is Lydia, I’m 30 years old, and I don’t know if I’m a wife or just someone’s live-in responsibility. James and I have been married for 3 years. He is 36. On paper, he’s the perfect husband anything one can ask of; calm, hardworking and responsible. The man who makes sure rent is paid on time and fuel is in the genset. When people see us outside, they say, “Lydia, you’ve been blessed. Hold him tight.”
But what they never got to see is the silence we sleep in.
We used to be really close like best friends. He used to kiss my forehead and I could never escape his touch. We were literally skin to skin all the time, inseparable. Now, he touches me only when he wants one thing. And even with that, it feels routine. Sexual intercourse has become my duty as a wife, a chore to tick off the to-do list.
His shift in nature began after our wedding. But I told myself marriage has phases, love matures, it will get better. Except that it never did. All of a sudden, he began to put me under pressure for a baby and not just him. From his mother, from every auntie of his who saw me at a wedding reception. They’d say something like “Ei Lydia, you are still glowing o. But where is the baby glow?”
Last month, things got worse as James came home one evening. I remember him sat on the bed beside me, and saying in a very low tone, almost whispering, “Lydia, what exactly are you waiting for? Don’t you think our family life will get better when a baby arrives?”
I just stared at him without uttering a word. Because how do you explain to a man who doesn’t hold you right anymore that bringing in a child won’t magically recreate that affection? Is that all I was meant for? To get married and just be pumping out babies? I though it was us two first before anything else? So why the sudden change? The sudden pressure to start giving birth?
Then the real blow came.
During a family gathering, his mother hugged me in front of everyone and said, loud enough for half the room to hear: “My daughter, hurry. You know men don’t stay where they don’t have children. There’s no reason for them to remain.” Everyone laughed.
Except me.
And my husband just stood there. Silent. Not even asking his mother to refrain from such gutter behavior. Nothing. His laughed it away like I was a clown.
That night, in bed, he tried to initiate something. Not passionately. Not tenderly. Just as if I was supposed to cooperate. Usually, I’d lie next to him with no underwear. For easy access and to keep things spicy but I was fully clothed that night and I brushed his hand away as he tried to undress me.
I heard him whisper from behind me “Lydia, don’t make me feel unwanted in my own home.”
That’s when I broke.
I cried not because I don’t want him but because I feel like I’ve already lost him. It’s just that I can’t stand his touches anymore. I feel hurt and sick whenever he’s around. Like he’s a complete stranger. And even though I smile, sometimes I wanted nothing to do with him.
Now I’m torn because I know that if we have a child together, it means I’m going to raise him with a man I can’t currently feel anything positive for. And If I don’t get pregnant soon, I might lose my marriage. MX24, I am tired. Of pretending. Of being the only one giving emotions I no longer know how to find.
Should I hold on and pray things will change? Should I sit him down one last time and beg him to see me? Or do I accept that maybe love can fade even when the ring is still on your finger?
This is my broken pen. Please, help me fix it.
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