Dear MX24, I never thought I’d be writing to you, but I find myself in desperate need of guidance. My relationship with my father has deteriorated over the past few years, and I’m at a loss for how to mend it.
Growing up, my father was my hero. He was always there for me, teaching me how to read, helping with homework, and helping me when I needed advice. We used to spend a lot of time alone to the point where my other siblings were jealous. Those moments were the foundation of our bond, and I cherished them deeply.
However, things started to change when I went to university. My father always wanted to check on me and would call me almost every day. He wanted me to call hoe and update the family on how my life was going every single day. It became so bad tat I couldn’t do anything on my own. I always had to seek permission even though they lived in a different region.
It so happened that I got into a relationship with my current husband at university. We were on the same course and we fell in love while studying.
We were your average adults, quite naughty and willing to explore our sexual fantasies but something strange happened. The very first time we tried to be intimate, my boyfriend’s face weirdly changed to my father’s face. I don’t know how else to explain it but I could see my father every time we tried to kiss. It was really scary.
It got so bad that I could dream that I was having sex, but it would be my father I was having sex with. This continued for months and I cut off my boyfriend because I didn’t want to be scared and just like that, it stopped. I tried to go back to y boyfriend but the weird dreams started again. At home, I once opened an easy conversation with my father turned into heated arguments, and the distance between us grew.
A week after graduation my ex called me saying his pastor had revealed to him that my father was evil and that he had sexually abused me as a child. I couldn’t believe it and was so angry that I went straight to him and accused him while I was in tears. He didn’t say anything to me. No confession, no denial.
This incident split my family apart and I left home never to return. I married my ex (now my husband) and we have a child now.
Recently, my mother called to tell me that my father’s health is declining. This news hit me hard, and I realized how much time we’ve lost because of how things happened. It was not too long after that, when I had another dream where I was on my knees asking him for forgiveness.
I want to rebuild our relationship, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t know why but the guilt and regret are overwhelming, and I’m afraid I’m losing my mind because of the nature of these dreams.
I’ve thought about reaching out but the fact that he didn’t deny it makes me hold back. I’m scared that it might be true he abused me and that it will affect my current family life. A part of me wants to just show up at his place, but I fear what might happen.
How can I express my desire to reconnect without reopening old wounds? How can I get to the bottom of this issue of unanswered questions from my childhood? I’m seeking advice on how to take the first step towards healing our relationship before it’s too late.
Please help me fix my broken pen
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