My Confessions – Broken Pen
Sorry I have to do this in this format. I have been following your pages and each passing week, I feel I have the chance to end this fear and guilt I have kept for 7 years. Unfortunately, my issue is too sensitive and I can’t gather the courage to send to you via instagram. So I am writing it here and when I’m done, I’ll send a courier to drop it at your front desk. Thank you.
Like I said, I have struggled with this issue for the past 7 years but has become worst because over the past 3 months, I have received 3 prophetic words from 2 prophets on something I need to do to open my womb for more babies. I will try my best to narrate what brought me to this point.
7 years ago, I got married to my husband in a very simple but nice wedding. But the few days leading to the wedding aren’t ones I can be proud of. 3 days to my wedding, my ex whom I had dated for 3 years right from national service but couldn’t get married to due to our family issues with our ethnic backgrounds asked for us to meet up. It was a request he had pestered me with for almost a year. I had always given excuses because I knew it was not advisable as I knew we were still intimately connected and didn’t want to take chances. But this was a few days to my wedding, and a request from a man who was really good to me just that we could not tie the knot seemed tempting enough. And it wasn’t his fault we didn’t end up together.
That particular Thursday, after I went to try my bridal gown on, I decided to accept his request and see him briefly in his office before heading home. I knew the office was the best place to go as he shared office space with a couple of mates and I would be safe.
I remember getting to his office and the receptionist walking me upstairs to meet him. That’s when I got to know he had really climbed the career ladder quickly and was now a line manager with an office to himself.
When I walked in there, he was still the same adorable man I broke up with 2 years ago. Still keeping his smile and his signature perfume. I sat in the chair at the other side of the desk and as for every word he spoke, I could feel pain in his voice. I didn’t know he still hadn’t moved on after he said he was still not dating. This guy just broke down and started shedding tears, he kept murmuring I was the only one he loved. I was really getting uncomfortable as I could not stand the tears from His eyes. I was also all teary and asked him to let me leave which he agreed. He also stood up from his desk and opened up his arms to gesture a hug.
Initially, I rejected in my head but I didn’t think I could add up to his pain with a rejection so I moved closer and leaned in for the hug. That was my mistake, we hugged for about some 15 minutes and then he played a trick on me. He knows one thing that always shuts me up. He held my ear with his mouth and ran his tongue inside. I never got an antidote to that touch, he at the same time held my boobs. I wanted to push him away but then again I realized I could not master the courage and my body was trembling. Slowly, he walked me to the his gate and locked it. I didn’t see how all of this happened but in some seconds, he was inside me on his desk. I wept throughout the act with a feeling I cannot explain. This was all over in some 3 minutes. I could not forgive myself as I drove back home. Initially, I wanted to run away and go somewhere, I felt like I had committed a crime. Well, I endured the most challenging 2 days in my life (or so I thought) as I had to fake happiness even when this act kept playing back on my mind,
Well, someway somehow, what I feared most happened, I was pregnant one month into my marriage. But I was almost certain it was not from the right person. I didn’t mention to my husband. I initially almost thought of suicide but I resorted to a very cruel way out, I took cytotec and messed the pregnancy. Only heavens know how I endured the misery for these days and what went through my head. I lost weight but blamed it on a church fasting programme we were having.
Well I managed to recover from all that. I blocked my ex and ensured we never crossed roads.
But here I am, married for 7 years and still looking for my first baby. It’s been from one hospital to the other, one insermination to another, all failing. On the 31st of this month, I had a prophetic word from a service I attended that I needed to confess something to my husband for my womb to be receptive to his seed. The Man of God said something that happened 7 years ago days leading to my marriage. I started to battle with it again.
Just last month, I went to another church and the man of God said the something similar around confessions I need to make to my partner.
I am struggling with everything, I can’t sleep, how can I say that the hundreds of thousands we have spent in looking for a baby is all because of me?